


The Unicorn Project

by Sonni89



Category: Better Off Ted
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 11:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonni89/pseuds/Sonni89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Veridian Dynamics decides to make a unicorn in response to the company's terrible polling numbers with children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unicorn Project

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ErinPtah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/gifts).



> Dear SailorPtah, I really hope you enjoy this! Happy Holidays!
> 
> Thank you to galfridian and T for the beta, and to torigates, falulatonks, and katayla for the helpful suggestions and for being a great support system.

“We need to make a unicorn.”

Veronica is standing in the doorway, her hair strictly pulled back, with a stern, yet half-amused look on her face. Ted immediately turns his chair to face her. She starts to walk further into Ted's office as she waits for his response.

“We can do that,” Ted replies after a few seconds and nods his head. “Why do we need to make a unicorn?”

“Apparently, we're not very popular with children, in particular girls aged 6-10 in our general area of the country.” She pulls a face as if to say, 'Who cares'.

Ted visibly tries not to laugh at that. “I can't say I'm surprised. I vividly remember a time when Veridian made all its daycare children do janitorial work.”

“That is beside the point.” Veronica takes a chair and sits down next to Ted. “The point is, a recent survey has shown that young girls around here think our company is 'weird', and we only scored an average of 2.3 out of 10 teddy bears. Because our headquarters are here, that makes us look bad.” She sighs.

“Hold on. Teddy bears?” He raises an eyebrow.

Veronica knew when she said it that Ted would take issues with the teddy bears. “The CEO found that numbers were too difficult to poll children with and has asked that we use a new scale,” Veronica explains, although she has no idea why she needs to clarify this in the first place.

He shakes his head. “Numbers are too difficult, but they're still asked to count te-? Never mind. No wonder we're doing terribly in the polls.”

There was a knock on the half-open door. Veronica is looking directly at Linda as she waves her inside.

“Linda, we're going to make a unicorn,” Veronica exclaims proudly, almost sounding too thrilled.

“A live one?” she asks. Veronica stares at Linda as if she just yelled that she'd like to eat a can of worms right now. “Of course a live one, then. Why in the world do we need to make a unicorn?” Linda looks at Ted, gesturing that she's waiting for an answer from him, not Veronica.

“Apparently, we don't poll well with children,” Ted explains.

Linda's dissatisfaction with some of the company's values is no secret to anyone, and Veronica can see the irritation starting to show in Linda's face.

“Ha! What a surprise! It's not the horse's fault that the company hates children – and the feeling is apparently mutual. And the company's solution to that is to genetically _alter_ a horse?” Linda is yelling at this point.

“Yes,” Veronica replies curtly. She can't believe she even has to explain this to Linda. Linda has worked at this company for – well, some time, who cares how long it's been – and as an employee, she's proved herself to be useful... sometimes. Veronica has to admit that if she were forced to choose, Linda isn't the worst employee at Veridian Dynamics. She actually thinks Linda is pretty okay. You know, if she actually _liked_ people. Which she _doesn't_. She smiles at Linda.

Linda, however, is not that easily defeated and suddenly, her eyes go wide. Oh no, she probably just had an idea. “There is such a simple solution for our problem! Why can't we just make toys? Or give them all cats? Children love cats. Let's give them free cats, courtesy of Veridian Dynamics. That will definitely make them love us,” Linda suggests excitedly.

Veronica shakes her head. She looks at Ted, asking him to back her up, but he won't say a thing. Ever since Ted and Linda started dating, he doesn't like to go up against Linda if he didn't have to. How _annoying_. Linda could definitely take it. She could take him, too. That's probably why Ted doesn't like to start arguments with her. Linda is better than Ted at winning those.

Come to think of it, Linda is better than Ted at a lot of things. Most things, actually. She could probably beat him at arm-wrestling. Or paperclip basketball. She's probably better at kissing than Ted, too. Where did that thought come from? Focus, Veronica!

“No, it has to be bigger than that,” she finally answers.

“But... children don't even like unicorns,” Linda complains.

Veronica sighs. She absolutely hates losing arguments, and she's not going to lose this one, so of course she has an idea. She turns to Ted and smiles knowingly. “Ted, does your daughter like unicorns?” she asks with some fake sweetness. She knows the answer.

“Uh, yes?” Ted replies.

Ha! Linda is _not_ going to win that one after all. Veronica smiles somewhat diabolically.

“That is completely beside the point,” Linda adds. “The point is, we can't just make a horn grow out of a horse's forehead. It's unethical.”

“Of course we can, Linda. We successfully weaponized pumpkins, grew beef, and made the best lie detector this planet has ever seen. Making a unicorn is the logical next step.” Veronica nodded at her, prompting Linda to agree.

“In what world?” Linda asks incredulously, her voice slightly raised.

Veronica knows that Linda disagrees with her and the company sometimes, but she shouldn't, because Veronica is always right. “In every world,” Veronica sighs, just barely leaving out a, 'Duh,' at the end of that statement. She's not going to get Linda to give up, so she's going to be direct and get to the point, like she should have five minutes ago. Veronica Palmer does not carry on with stupid arguments. “I no longer care for this conversation, so I'm leaving now.”

 

* * *

 

In the privacy of her own office, Veronica takes a second to think about what it would be like to kiss Linda, their bodies moving closer and closer together until their lips finally touch, her hands fisting in Linda's soft, blonde hair. Even in Veronica's thoughts, there's a chance Linda wouldn't shut up long enough for them to actually kiss, but they're her thoughts, so they do and it is _great_.

Not that she ever would make out with Linda for real, because against all odds, she actually somewhat tolerates Ted, or even likes him – she shudders at the thought – and she knows how much Ted is into Linda. Even though she wouldn't admit it, she would never do anything to jeopardize that. She could pretend to, of course, but she never actually would. Kissing Linda would have to be nice, though, Veronica is sure about that. Linda is fun and attractive and a little bit crazy, so why wouldn't it be? And of course, Veronica herself is a great kisser because she's great at absolutely everything.

And- oh. Veronica Palmer doesn't _daydream_. She shakes her head as an attempt to stop thinking about this. Back to work!

 

* * *

 

Back in Ted's office, Linda and Ted still argue about the unicorn.

“You cannot seriously support this,” Linda yells at Ted.

“I understand your reservations, Linda. However, this _is_ one of the least terrible things this company has ever planned to do. Definitely the least offensive thing out of all the ones Veronica just listed.” Ted smiles at her briefly. “Also, Rose is going to love it,” he adds.

Linda sighs, but she realizes he kind of has a point. “Well... Fine. If Rose is going to like it, then I guess I won't fight against this. I'm not pleased, but I do like unicorns. They're not as great as cats, and I still don't think it's right to make a horn grow out of a horse's head, but yeah, I guess it's not the worst thing this company has ever done.” Linda walks over and closes Ted's office door. “Now, on to much more important matters.”

“I hope by 'more important matters', you mean this,” Ted replies and teasingly kisses Linda on the lips.

She pulls him back towards her and kisses him passionately. Ted softly nibbles at Linda's bottom lip in appreciation, and she lets out a soft "mmm".

As they break apart, Linda grins at him. “That is exactly what I had in mind, but I also wanted to talk to you about something. I would love to make dinner for you and Rose tonight.”

“That sounds really great, I would love that and I'm sure Rose would, too,” Ted answers, smiling.

Linda smiles right back. She knows that before they started dating, just the thought of having Linda bond with his daughter scared Ted. But now that they've been together for almost a year, she's amazed by how quickly he actually let her into his and Rose's life and how fast she and Rose bonded. “I'll be over at 6, and I hope you're up for chicken parmesan, because mine is the best one you'll ever taste. I have to get back to work now, but I'll see you later,” Linda says and quickly kisses Ted before she leaves his office and heads back to her cubicle.

 

* * *

 

Dinner goes as it usually does: good food, as Linda is an excellent cook; and animated conversation, mostly about what Rose was up to in school today – with one exception. After dinner, Rose grabs the book that she's been devouring all day, and Ted and Linda go back to discussing the events of the day. As soon as the word 'unicorn' leaves Linda's mouth, she purses her lips together, wishing she hadn't said anything because Rose practically throws her book down and gasps.  
  
“A unicorn? You're making a REAL unicorn at work?” she exclaims – loudly.

Ted and Linda both sigh. This is going to be fun. “Yes,” Ted's reply is short and quick. Linda knows him well enough at this point to know that he's hoping for that conversation to not take hours.

Rose, as always the voice of reason, asks if it is safe to make a unicorn. She is really excited for it, but only if it won't hurt anyone or anything. Linda makes eye contact with Ted to gloat about the fact that his daughter has the same concerns she did just hours before, and because Rose is often a vocal critic of Veridian shenanigans, Linda feels validated in her concerns.

After a long conversation about the ethical implications of making a unicorn, including questions from Rose like, "How will the unicorn know that that's what it is?", "Won't it be lonely as the only unicorn?", and "Will you dye it pink?", she seems to be satisfied and convinced that it's a good idea. Rose explains that she does love unicorns, after all, and that none of the answers to her questions sounded too terrible.

Finally, after getting more and more excited about the idea, Rose asks the question Linda has been waiting for – and Ted has visibly been dreading all night. “Can I see it, can I see it, can I see it?” She's practically bouncing up and down in her chair at this point.

It's rare for Rose to be convinced of something that quickly. It still took almost an entire evening, but Linda has never seen Rose go from 'apprehensive' to 'so excited she might fall out of her chair' within a couple of hours, and going by the look on his face, neither has Ted.

“Not now,” Ted says, but he smiles. Oh poor Ted, he can't refuse his daughter anything. It's so sweet. “Once it's finished, I'll take you to see it.”

Rose seems to be content with that, as she immediately goes back to reading her book.

 

* * *

 

It's the start of a new day at work. Almost everyone attached to the Mystical Fairytale Creature Project (or MFCP) is in the conference room – Ted, Linda, Lem, Phil, and a few others. There is a lot of chatter between them, mostly talk about non-work related things. Lem and Phil are debating the merits of a new lab game called Beaker Bowling and whether or not it could hurt anyone. As soon as they catch a few words they're saying, Ted and Linda try to put an end to Lem and Phil's conversation immediately and tell them to cut it out or it will end the same way that their syringe game ended. Then Veronica enters, yelling, “Silence!” and the room is immediately quiet.

“What do we have for MFCP so far?” Veronica asks, reading the research someone handed her.

There are a few seconds of silence, and even though Veronica hasn't looked up from the memo yet, Ted feels her getting impatient. He looks at Phil, prompting him to begin.

“Well,” Phil starts nervously. “We did create a unicorn prototype, but we did not take into account some of the horn-related mathematics, because we did not think there _were_ horn-related mathematics to take into account.” Phil and Lem sigh in unison – likely just remembering what went wrong, and because it's Phil and Lem, it was disastrous.

Veronica looks up from the papers. Now she's listening. “What exactly does that mean?”

Phil looks at Lem for guidance. Lem takes over for him, “I think what Phil meant to say is that the horn grew in the wrong place.” Now Lem has everyone's attention; everyone is staring at him. “It grew out the back of the horse's head instead of the front.”

“I expected worse when you started that sentence, but go on.” Ted has to suppress a grin at the thought of other ways this situation could have gone. Also, a unicorn with a horn growing out of the back of its head sounds hilarious to him, even if it's going to cost his department more time and a lot more money to fix it.

Lem continues. “We found the error in our previous attempt and have revised our theoretical approach. We should be able to fix the mistake within a few days.”

“All right then,” Veronica says. “Let's get to work!” She gets up and leaves the room, which means that the others are free to go as well.

 

* * *

 

Linda walks down to the lab at the end of the day because she hasn't heard from Lem and Phil in a while and neither has anyone else. As she approaches the lab, she hears simultaneous yelling and whinnying. She sincerely hopes that Lem and Phil are doing the former.

“What is going on here?” Linda shouts over the noise, her eyes wide. She doesn't dare walk through the door because what she sees is chaos. The unicorn is going wild, kicking its hind legs and moving in Lem and Phil's general direction.

“Apparently Coco did not like our altering its horn,” Lem huffs as he tries to escape the kicking horse.

“Coco?” Linda looks at them quizzically while taking another few steps back.

“That's... what... we... called... the... unicorn!” Phil yells, taking a breath between each word as he tries to run away, heading for the back room to get away. The unicorn has just turned around and is now trying to use its horn as a means of attack. Or defense. Linda can't be sure at this point.

Lem is digging for something and finally finds the new tranquilizer dart that he and Phil finished and brought to Linda for product testing just a few days ago. He shoots the dart at the unicorn, and as the sedative starts to work, the animal sinks to the ground.

Lem exhales loudly. “Well, that should give us a bit of time.” He walks over, pets the unicorn to make sure it's really out, then when it doesn't move, he hops around the sedated animal that is now lying in the middle of their lab.

Linda is still freaked out and does not appreciate the fact that there is now a passed-out horse on the lab floor. She does, however, dare to walk closer now and goes to stand opposite Phil and Lem. “What the hell happened here? I told you this wasn't a good idea! Look at the poor unicorn now! Did you have to tranq it?” she yells.

Phil, who is still breathing a little heavily, answers. “We were trying to reverse the horn, but the horse reacted negatively to the formula we used to dissolve the original horn.” He shudders.

“What a surprise,” Linda huffs. She feels validated in her reservations about this project now – a chemical to dissolve a horn on a live animal sounds all sorts of wrong.

Lem keeps talking, though. “And after that, we didn't know how to calm it down. We don't generally have horses in here. Spiders, sure! Cows, sometimes. But horses? They're a foreign species,” he goes on.

At that, Linda grits out, “Foreign species? Really, guys? Did you try giving the unicorn-”

“Coco,” Lem and Phil interrupt Linda in unison.

Linda narrows her eyes as if to say, may I continue please. “Yeah, I'm not going to call it that. Did you try giving the unicorn some sugar?”

Lem and Phil look puzzled. “Why would we-” Phil asks.

“Horses love sugar cubes,” Linda goes on. She can't believe she has to explain this.

“Oooh,” they both marvel at that. It looks like they were just told that a new chemical element had been found or that Christmas officially happened twice a year now.

“Seriously, guys? You create some of the most advanced technology in human history, but it doesn't occur to you to give a horse a treat to get it to calm down before you _sedate_ it?” Linda sighs. Don't these guys know anything about _normal_ things?

Lem and Phil look at each other. Clearly, they both only just realized they made Linda mad and now it looks like they're thinking of what to do next. “Sorry, Linda,” is what comes out of their mouths first, once again in unison. Lem looks somewhat dejected at having sedated the horse and having upset Linda.

Linda shakes her head slightly. “Don't apologize to me. Apologize to the unicorn.”

Phil and Lem walk over to where the unicorn is lying on the ground. “Sorry, Coco,” they chime.

 

…

 

A few moments later, Ted and Rose enter. Ted just went to pick up Rose from Veridian daycare and they both never take off without saying goodbye to Linda before they leave for the day. As they step inside, Rose gasps.

“What happened to the unicorn? Did you kill it?” she yells, almost in a panic. “I started to love the idea of a real unicorn because I trusted you, dad, but now it's lying on the floor. I was right to be worried! The poor unicorn!” She's almost crying now.

Phil and Lem, who still do not know how to interact with children, look at each other, then at the unicorn. They look incredibly freaked out, and Linda knows she needs to jump in.

“No one killed the unicorn. It's just asleep, don't worry, Rose,” Linda says in a soothing voice, and Rose instantly calms down. Linda is glad to have that kind of effect on her. It's only been a year that she's truly been a part of her life, after all, and it makes her happy how much Rose trusts her. Linda knows that just like her, Rose is generally skeptical of the things the company does, but she thinks that's probably also one of the main reasons Rose trusts her. Mostly. Rose still looks very worried, though. "Can I go pet the unicorn?" she asks.

In that moment, Phil, who's still standing right next to the sedated unicorn, quickly removes the tranquilizer dart from the unicorn's back.

Phil is just about to answer, but Linda quickly turns her head to Phil and whispers, “How long did these sedatives last when you first tested them?”

To that, Phil replies, “A few hours, I think?” Lem, who is standing close enough to Phil to hear their conversation, nodded.

Because Linda just saw Lem and Phil touching the unicorn a few minutes ago and nothing happened, and she knows Rose needs to see for herself that the unicorn is still alive, she tells Rose to go ahead, but to be gentle.

Rose nods, then runs over immediately, sits down next to the unicorn and starts petting it. Linda moves closer to the unicorn too, just to be safe.

Rose breathes out a sigh of relief when she feels the unicorn breathing. "You're beautiful and I'm going to name you Amy. My friends at school will be so jealous that I already got to see you, and I know they'll love you just as much as I love you," she whispers to the unicorn, still loudly enough for everyone else in the lab to hear her. They all smile.

Once Linda sees that Rose is fine, and the unicorn is fast asleep, she moves back towards the other side of the lab again. “What was all that about?” Ted asks Linda as soon as Rose is out of earshot.

“You don't want to know. Or, well, let's just say that the unicorn isn't so much asleep as it is sedated because _apparently_ it didn't like having a horn grow out of its head. Twice. So it started kicking Phil,” Linda frowns.

Ted stares at her “And you let Rose go over there?” he tries to whisper, but is clearly panicked now.

After Linda recounts the events of the last few minutes and that Lem and Phil said it was okay because of how long the sedative lasts, Ted is more relaxed, but, as he claims, only _slightly._ He notes that the approval did come from Lem and Phil, so when the unicorn makes just an ever-so-slight move, he yells, “Time to go! Say goodbye to the unicorn!” to the other side of the room.

“Coco,” Lem and Phil interrupt.

“Yeah, we'll have to change that name,” Ted says as he heads for the door.

Linda smiles at that and tells him that she'll stay for a little while because she doesn't trust Lem and Phil around the unicorn, even in its current state.

“See you tomorrow,” he shouts back to Lem and Phil, then he shouts, “See you later,” to Linda when he and Rose are already out the door.

 

* * *

 

Because it finally got all of its horse-like qualities back and was no longer a kicking monster after growing its second horn – finally in the right place - Veridian Dynamics is able to present the unicorn at their first Veridian Children's Festival two days later. The festival has balloons, cotton candy, and merry-go-rounds in addition to the unicorn, although the unicorn is still the festival's biggest attraction. Obviously, Rose makes Ted attend the festival with her, because as she explained to him, it did not count to see the unicorn sleeping, she had to see it walking – and maybe ride it. Because he was the one to take Rose down to the lab and freaked her out with a potentially dead unicorn, he says yes immediately, and Rose has a wonderful afternoon (and she does get to ride the unicorn for 5 minutes, although it costs her dad $25 – let's not talk about it), while Ted spends most of the afternoon schmoozing with Veridian's executives. It's a win-win for everyone.

 

* * *

 

The morning after the festival, Veronica asks Ted into her office. She tells him that early this morning, the CEO came into her office to congratulate them on the success of the Mystical Fairytale Creature Project and that after the festival, their polling numbers with girls between 6 and 10 years of age who live in the neighborhood went up to 4.7 out of 10 teddy bears, and that is good enough for the CEO.

“What I'm getting from that is that it would've been enough to just organize a big party for a lot of children in the region and our polling numbers would've gone up just the same.” Ted shakes his head.

“It was the unicorn,” Veronica replies curtly.

“All right,” Ted smiles at her. “It was the unicorn.”

Veronica knows that Ted is letting her have that one. She is still curious about one thing, though. “How did you finally get the unicorn to calm down anyway?” Veronica asks. There has been chatter about a unicorn chasing two grown men through the lab, and word got to her that the unicorn only got quiet with Ted and Linda present.

“It wasn't me,” Ted replies, smiling. “When I got there, the unicorn was sedated, courtesy of Lem and Phil. After that, Rose and I left. Then, it was all Linda. When the unicorn woke up, it was no kicking monster anymore, but it was still fidgety and kept whinnying loudly. Linda had told the guys to give sugar cubes to the unicorn earlier and apparently that was the magic trick. She walked over, fed it some sugar cubes and the unicorn was instantly happier and was apparently the loving creature the kids got to see at the festival yesterday,” Ted explains.

Veronica smiles, although she tries to hide it. Of course Linda outsmarted Ted and everyone else. She knew it and she was just a little proud of Linda. 'Is 'proud' an emotion?' she thinks to herself. Oh, no, it's not. She's fine.

This project worked out really well for Veridian and made her department look good, therefore she is happy with the project. She adds, “Still. That wasn't horrible work you did on this project,” as she nods at Ted, grimacing slightly.

Ted has to grin at that. “A compliment from you, Veronica? Are you getting soft?” he teases.

“Me? Never. I'm told it boosts employee morale to occasionally let them know they aren't entirely terrible,” Veronica adds, her deadpanned look cracking slightly in favor of a smile.

“Of course,” Ted replies, trying to suppress a grin and failing horribly. “I guess you're an okay boss, too,” he tells her in just the same detached way in which she just complimented him.

Veronica nods at him, telling him he's dismissed.

As Ted turns around to exit, Veronica smiles a real, genuine smile – albeit a very brief one. After all, she's still Veronica Palmer, tough as a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.


End file.
